I suck.

I like blogging.
It makes me feel like I'm actually loved.
I'm so desprate.
I'm talking to a wall.
God, I'm pathetic.
And lonely.
Well, text me.

~Maria

Wish to stalk me?

I know you do.
If you're reading this, you've got to want to know me.
Well, you probably already do.
So, here is what I am brooding over on this lovely lovely summer day.
I will be leaving for Palm Springs in about three hours.
Before I do leave, I have a checklist.
-Fold laundry
-Upload CAMY video
-Finish Program for Ate Brea && Kuya Brent's party
-Finish slideshow for same party
-Pack
-Buy Party Supplies
-Pick up a projector
-Clean the house
-Fly to Cambodia

..So the last one was a lie, but the ones prior aren't.
And then after Palm Springs, I am hosting a party. (See next paragraph.)
Then the day after is the graduation party for my cousins, which I'm MCing and in charge of.
Yay me.
Then LA Film Festival.
Then buy a pretty dress.
Then Keeanna's quince.

About my party, I'm not liked at all.
In fact, and bluntly, I'm absolutely hated.
Just one of those people who are not liked at all.
But people pretend to deal.
So, of course, I'm going to have a tiny little outcome of people, and it's going to fucking suck, crash and burn boringly, like it did last year.
FML.

~Maria

3. && 3. 'supposed to be.

Well, I was given this idea from a couple of, I guess you could say, friends?
Acquaintances. Better word.
Anyway(s) [?]
It's to say three things you like about yourself and three things you do well.
And it should be a video, but I'm not awesome like that, and I'm too self conscious to even think about the embarrassment and how stupid I'd look on video.
So, that ruled that out.
But I am going to attempt to do this.
It feels weird.
Well, here goes.
Thing one) I like that I
____________________________________________
Okay, I spent about twenty minutes rocking in my desk chair and I conclude that I can't think positively..
But anyway, I think the idea of it is great so if you're reading this, try it and pass it on.
Maybe I'll try again later.

~Maria

My Goddess, Help Me Now.

Confessions of a Regina-holic.

I've been busy.
I'm always busy.
What's more busy than busy?
Me !
I will not get one moment's rest until June 19th, and only for two days.
Then, summer school.
Wootwoot.
Let me grope.
Relay for Life this Friday, so, I'm cramming to get my sht together as captain.
Awards Assembly tomorrow, so I'm freaking out.
Music Man DVD needs to be done like, NOW.
Birthday thing to plan.
Brea's graduation celebration to plan and organize!
Recital soon.
Done with therapy, but no support now.
Rehearsals for Rapunzel have begun.
Finals in 15 days !
AP Euro Test soon.
Falling behind with homework.
Zero energy level consistently.
Babysitting everyday now.
Piano teaching three days a week.
No flipping money.
Too much damn homework.
Like,
World History Honors Project due (Wed) or Friday or Monday ._. (We haven't really done sht)
Need to catch up on Romeo && Juliet notes for English Honors.
Need to raise B- to A in Religion ASAP
Censor Elections for Latin soon. I'm running.
Will someone please shoot me?
It's gonna get harder, I know, but I'm stretched fcking THIN right now.
Migrane.
Dear God,
Please help me !!!
Amen.
I have no time to feel.
Feeling is for suckers.
Feeling is for those with nothing to do.
I am a hard shelled human being with too much on her plate.
Some things must be sacrificed.
Feelings are gone.
I will not feel sad that my friends are graduating.
I will not feel sad that I am moving.
I will not feel pain when my mother goes crazy.
I will not cry if I get fired or let go.
I will not feel angry when I don't accomplish some high expectations or when my world falls apart.
I'm not going to feel.
I'm just going to be a Barbie doll, plastic and smiling, empty inside, but so much to be done.
Well, I sure do need help.
I wish I had someone to talk to, but I don't care, because I don't feel.
Well yes, I feel like I should be in an asylum.
Here's to you, Sybil !
&& To you, Regina Spektor - My Goddess !!



She's the kind of girl who'll smash herself down in the night
She's the kind of girl who'll fracture her mind till it's light
She'll break her own heart and you know she'll break your heart too
So darling, let go of her hand

She's been skipping days, spilling her drinks in the sink
and you know, she's never coming home--never coming home again
but when when when she open her eyes eyes eyes
beyond the chipping paint through the windowpane

lies lies lies
her patron saint, broken and lame
and absolutely insane for learning that true love exists
so darling, let go of her hand(x7)
you'll be to blame for playing this game
and learning that true love exists

She's the kind of girl who'll smash herself down in the night
She's the kind of girl who'll fracture her mind till it's light
She'll break her own heart and you know she'll break your heart too
So darling, let go of her hand(x2)

you'll be to blame for playing this game
and learning that true love exists
broken and lame
and learning that true love exists


The pain, the pain, the pain, the pain....

~Maria

Happy Mother's Day

Well, I haven't posted in a while, but no one reads, so no one cares. But it's okay. It's mother's day. I remember when I was little, my mom would take my sister and I to my grandmother's grave, insisting it was Lola's day, and we could celebrate her on the side. My mother loved, and still loves, her mother. I want to be able to be that in love with my own mother, now and always, but it's not always easy. For reasons I do not have time to explain, the relationship between my mother and I is and always has been very rough. But there are those days where I just feel lucky to even have a mother, as I have friends and I know there are many many people out there who took their mother forgranted and now regret it because she is gone. Well, I don't want to be like them. I want to be able to say that I love my mother, I cherish my mother, and that I would do anything for her, without flinching. It's going to take some work, it's going to be hard, but I will accomplish it, soon. As for my grandmother, she has always been a person in the stories my mom tells, a face in the pictures, and a name on a gravestone, to me. But she must have been one amazing woman, and I hope to be as amazing as her one day. That's another thing I hope to accomplish, and I believe I will. After all, we share a name. <3 Happy Mother's Day ~Maria

Continue

Last one !
It kind of goes with that theory a friend of mine came up with.
(Mentioned earlier in the blog.)
And yet not at all.
Just focus on the
RESIST

Hehehe Procrastination. <3
~Maria

I do not own that picture. All rights to their respective owners over at: thingsweforget.blogspot.com

Keyboard

Hah. Two blog posts in one night. Wootwoot!
Another one of these weird incomplete-probably-never-to-be-completed song things.

HAH! And you tell me you ain't dying!
You tell me you're just fine!
So here I go.
Let me laugh in your face, as I see your eyes.
You lie.
Let me laugh!
You tell me you're not dying!
Not in any way shape or form?!
You idiot. t.t.t.t.
Let me tell you, dear child.
I know.
We all know.
That you're crumbling and falling.
Let me laugh as I see you've finally lost.
HAH!
I see you lying on the kitchen floor.
Slippin' slidin' rolling groaning moooooooaaaaning.
And still you screech that you're just fine.
Dear child on the floor.
You humor me.
HAH! Let. t.t.t.t. Me. Laugh!
It isn't funny at all, but I cannot stifle such smiles.
Let me know when you're rea-dy to tell me.
You aren't fine...

Hmm.. I wonder if Regina Spektor (<3) does this?
Late night bursts of energy and emotion.
Pouring out onto paper.
Pressing keys on the keyboard.
Making music and making letters.
Some nights are harder than others, we all know that.
But the ones that simply flow, are those you should keep in your pitcher.
And yes I did just say that.
And no I have absolutely no idea what it means !
Well, that's life.
Take it as you wish.
To each his own.
You know how it goes.
Til next time, my solitary reader.

~Maria

Desert-ed.

Fleeting flying happiness.
Running smiling time.
And I run and I run try to catch what you call life.
And the words fill up my brain and the meaning just leaves.
Now I feel deserted and empty.
Like the little cactus you used to sing songs about.
Prickprickprick.
You'd tell me the cactus - its gonna - its gonna.
Get.
You.
And when it does, you told me, in sweet melody and harmony, its gonna hurt.
It will.
It's gonna gonna gonna.
Mister Cactus won't you soften.
Mister Cactus won't you help.
MiMiMiMiiiister.
Cac-tus.
And the birds start a runnin' when the lizards stop a flyin' and the people start a fallin'. Dear Mister Caaaaaaactus. Prick. Me. Now. -

~Maria

My Personality According to Facebook

View Full MyPersonality.org Profile

0 50 100	%
Openness	88%
Conscientiousness	63%
Extraversion	44%
Agreeableness	100%
Neuroticism	69%

True or False?
Well, nobody's reading this, so I'm asking myself, I suppose.
In the middle.

~Maria

Spheres

It honestly seems like all my life, I have been told to either have more confidence and believe in myself, or I have been told that I am concieted and narcisstic and much too proud.
One thing I have always always been told is that I take everything and everyone forgranted.
And I do.
I do realize that everything and everyone are precious and deserve to be treasured.
But I just don't act as if I do.

Another thing I have noticed is the idea that there are always exceptions.
That nothing is completely one thing.
Everything is three dimensional, with many many sides and characteristics, as are people.
I cannot wholeheartedly hate anyone or anything.
There is beauty in everything, and I cannot hate beauty, even if I am jealous of it.
I just cannot.

~Maria

Pushover

Pretty leaf(:

Well, I feel bad.
But it feels pretty good knowing I wasn't a pushover.

I heard somewhere that pride is one of the seven deadly sins.
Yet I've grown up with people always telling me, "Be proud of your accomplishments!"
I don't want to be proud of them.
I'd rather hide away whatever nonsense they were referring to, have no confidence, and be the humblest of all rather than sin in such a way.
And yet, I am concieted and proud, rotten and cocky, and I have done nothing to change that.
Well, not yet anyways.
Beginning today, I will be shy and humble, not proud of anything of myself or my own.

Pretty heart leaf(:

~Maria

How I love Facebook Quizzes

"MELANCHOLY"

You are a deep ocean and just as violent. You are emotional and thoughtful, artistic and musical. Even if you don\'t draw or play an instrument, art and music play a big part in your life. You are talented and creative. You are philosophical and poetic. Sometimes that means you create a piece of art or poetry, and sometimes it means you have a new idea or a new way of approaching something. You are always an original. You underestimate yourself and are sensitive. You put others before yourself. You feel their pain. When someone has a problem, they come to you. Not to solve it, but to cry with them. You are analytical and conscientious. Even with all this analysis you are idealistic. You appreciate beauty. You see things others miss, and can feel a problem coming like a chill before the rain. You are orderly and organized and strive for perfection in everything you do. You value things, people, resources. You are very focused on the details. You make friends cautiously and the friends you have are few and very close to you. You are very faithful and devoted. You value loyalty and can become resentful if betrayed. You seek out special people who see your depth and beauty and they travel with you for long friendships. You have a deep concern for other people and will listen to their complaints. People rely on you. Introvert: The Resident Genius.

What do Your Eyes Say About You?

Result: Mysteries.

When people look into your eyes, they see mysteries galore. You're a deep and intellectual person, and others can see that through your sparkling eyes. You're quiet and shy, but once you get to know someone, you become comfortable around them. Your eyes often spark c...uriousity in others, and it bothers people how they can never tell what you're really thinking. You're hard to read and often hide your true emotions.

~Maria

wwjd

Some things are worth getting angry over. Some PEOPLE are WORTH getting angry over.
And then there are those who just.. aren't.
There are different things which make people and things WORTH anger.
And there are circumstances as well.
But one thing that truly defines it is your disposition.
Your attitude, if you will.
Mine was simply that I was just going to stop caring.
Therefore I did.
I stopped caring entirely, and when I did, life got so much easier.
Well, it got easier in the aspect that I was done dealing.
Go me.
I feel absolutely no guilt.
None.
That's not normal for me - not to feel guilty.
So okay, I know it was wrong.
But I was fed up.
So, I finished it.
I myself feel better, but I know I should not.
Everyone else on the planet should go before myself.
"You aren't Jesus, you aren't perfect, take care of yourself as well, you need limits."
"I am not Jesus. I am not perfect. But I am told to strive to be like Him, to strive for perfection."
Although perfection is boring, I will never get there.
So I have no worries on that.
But I should feel bad.
However, I don't.
I'm just going to let it sink in.
I'll feel bad soon enough.
Stupid guilty conscience.
~Maria

Perfection

"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances." - Martha Washington
One of my new favorite quotes.

PluginID.com
My new favorite blog.


Lately, I have been pondering life and happiness and how to live.
I have indeed been thinking about some deep sht.
One of the things I've noticed is that there is not one statement that I have heard about said topics that is 100% true, correct, or whole, as to say.
There's always going to be something missing, something left out.
There's always going to be something wrong, something controversial or indefinite.
The simple reason for this is human fault.
Again, that statement is not whole.
There is so much more to add to such a thing to make it entirely true.

Just some observations.

I'm tired now.
I am going to go write music.
(:



What do you think?

~Maria

Normal

This story bores me.
I am falling more and more into the clutches of sleep with every monotonous word.
They say literature uses fresh ideas, fresh language.
This has tired language oozing between every line.
It simply makes me cringe.
I am on the nineth paragraph right now, and I do not intend to read any further.
That is what sparknotes are for.

On a different note, I watched "Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars" on Disney Channel earlier today with a certain younger relative.
It was awful.
Bland and overused language, camera angles, and the same boring plot.
Allow me to elaborate.
The plot consists of: The main character happily living as an outcast, hating on the popular ones, then she and the head of the popular clique must compete against one another.
The protagonist begins losing and the antagonist gains astonishingly.
The protagonist then begins a lie.
Such a lie escalates and she is accepted by the popular 'sidekicks'
She gets close to the populats and loses her friends.
Then her lie blows out of the water, she is revealed as a liar, loses her popular friends, and goes back to her old ones to beg for forgiveness.
They accept and she rises again and ends up winner, and the antagonist ultimately loses.
Oh my.
>.>
They tried to put a twist on the towel rag plot, but failed.
Don't watch it. It is a waste of time.
It was not thought provoking and ultimately a forgettable movie.

However, the bland vanilla taste of it made me think only of normal.
Normal is boring.
Who in goshem's name would want to fit in and be 'normal' ?
Not me.
I'll just do as I please.
I'll keep changing and morphing until I find myself.
And when I do, if I ever do, I will cease to change.
As for now, I like who I am, I like where I am, but if I am meant to change, I will.
If not, so be it.
I suppose then I'm normal, tired, and bland, with a little bit of sugar, salt, and pepper to cover up the dish rag taste.
Then again, aren't we all ?

~Maria

Leaves Vines Life Times

What if I told you these leaves were the proof that there is something special in everyone and everything?
What if I told you I want to be like these leaves?
These leaves, oddly shaped but beautiful.
Each unique but all connected.
Stemming from the same place, but all reaching out to separate.
Yet all their efforts are useless as they are forever bound to their roots.
Only the old leaves know that without the roots, death is imperative.
The youngest ones stay close, afraid to venture.
The rest all yearn to leave, to separate, to go out into the world.

Such is true with humans.
We are all leaves.
Connected.
Some closer than others.
But we can only go so far before we realize...
we cannot live without the others.
before we realize...
rebellion is a circle.

I no longer need to wish.
For I am.

~Maria

Find the Man && Inglorious Basterd

Find the man
in this piece of 'art'
I mean,
cr@p.

I did this painting a while ago.
And while I was lying on my bed
just lying there,
I saw this on my wall and made a connection.
You know that movie, Inglorious Basterds ?
The one with Brad Pitt?
Well, I watched that earlier tonight.
If you don't know what it's about, it is a fictional story dealing with WWII in a Nazi controlled France.
It is a complicated story line and I do not wish to go in depth.
It is a good movie; look it up.
Anyways,
I was looking at this picture and I remembered that the man in this picture was hidden, not clearly visible, if you will.
That made me think of Hitler.
He was such a sick and twisted man that some say he wasn't even a man.
I say wrong.
I say he had serious mental problems and yes, he did kill so many many people, not with his hand, necessarily, but with his voice.
But he was still a man.
I am not at all for capital punishment, even to the Hitler extreme.
He was a human being for Goshem's sake.
I am NOT saying that his actions were rightly justified, even though he was severly mentally disturbed.
I am just saying that he was a gosh darn human being and some people need to realize that.
No one deserves to die.
God gave us life; he is the only one who can rightfully take it away.
Thats it.

Good movie, watch it.
Crap picture, comment it.

~Maria

Dali and a Quote

This is Dali.
Salvador Froggie Paper Thingy Dali.
Yeep.

Well,
I saw thing quote.
I think it's Paramore.
"You made up a world of magic because your life is so tragic."
Or something like that.
I liked it.
It made me think of a little kid playing pretend..
And then I thought of
someone with a mental illness,
like a schitzophrenic,
or a compulsive liar,
or someone whose only reaction formulas are fantasy and denial.
And then I thought of myself.

~Maria

Sandali! I'm playing a game.

It's a game.
It's a play.
I am having a fun time with this façade.
I'm a character in my own play.
I can change and act however I want
cuz its all a big façade.
Here in this play, I am simply a character.
A hollow shallow fake character.
But I play it so well, only I know it is a game.
Everyone else is just watching, playing their own games which just happen to intertwine with mine.
Life is a game.
Players, cheaters, twists, turns, chances, choices, ecetera.
Life is a play.
I am the lead in my play.
I am a character.
I am not who I am.
Breathing in my character, releasing whatever is left of the real me.
I am no longer who you think I am.
I am a character.
I'm winging it, improvising as I go along.
I must have lost my script sometime long ago,
because now its rolling and I'm lost.
I don't know what to do or where to go, but I do know that the end will be dynamic.
It might not be perfect, there may be no round of applause or shouts for an encore, but it will change people.
They may be hurt.
They might be surprised,
but all in all,
they will see that I lived life as an actress.
It was all an act.
It's fun. A play.
The performance of my lifetime.
Join me, won't you?
Round of applause and a cheer or two and maybe a sigh of relief when you see that all you knew of me,
all you thought of me,
was
not
real.

~Maria

Dandelions - Five Iron Frenzy

I really like this song(:
It really brightened my day today for some reason.
So now it's playing on repeat for the . . . tenth? time today.
I heard of it just this afternoon and I absolutely love it.
It's catchy!


~Maria

Artwork.

Isn't it pretty? (:

~Maria

I want a cupcake

~Maria

How long?

I've been on the computer for a very long time.
My eyes are beginning to hurt.
I need to make two new blogs (different account, of course)
But I will do so....later(;
What else do you wish for me to post here?
I think this has less views than the one I have on Myspace.
Yup. It's probably going to go 'inactive' in...I'd say a month or so.
That is, unless I begin getting some responses please(;
Thanks a whole bunch!
~Maria

Laundry is not fun

The laundry I have to do on a weekly basis. Meaning: sort, wash, dry, sort, fold, put away. This week is a light week also.. o.o

~Maria

Purpose of this blog?

Well, it's pretty simple.
This is my own personal blog.
I will indeed write anything and everything I wish to.

The blog in and of itself, however, is not so simple. You will eventually come to see that I am a very complex person.
It will get confusing. You might get lost.
But I am lost too, so...
Let's get lost.

~Maria